Da mudança, do susto, do medo, do coração.

Eu não sei o que aconteceu comigo nesses últimos dias, e essas coisas acabam no fim das contas me deixando verdadeiramente preocupada.

Tenho 25 anos e já passei na vida coisas que muita gente vai viver pra caralho e nunca vai viver, e eu tenho honra disso, porque eu posso ter sofrido pra caralho, mas eu também tive felicidades, carinho e amizades que eu sei que é pra poucos. Sou uma premiada na vida, e sei disso.

Mas acho que meu coração tem um problema sério, ou então sou que sou uma tremenda idiota, e como muitos acham eu tenho experiencia de 14 ou 15 anos nesse quisito. Me apaixono pelos melhores caras do mundo, e isso ninguém pode negar, porque de todos que gostei nessa vida, eu tenho contato bom até hoje, e alguns eu posso dizer que se tornaram verdadeiros irmãos. Mas, de fato minha experiencia não é das melhores, eu nunca beijei, nunca tive um relacionamento, nunca nad disso, mas vivi e senti coisas que, às vezes podem ter trazido os maiores aprendizados. Porque na vida, tudo rola pra que você aprenda algo, e eu?! Será que aprendi mesmo, ou sou uma retardada do caralho que não aprendo porra nenhuma?!

O fato é, de repente como um furacão e sem o menor sentido, explicação, eu me sinto completamenta atraida por um rapaz “daquele jeito” que eu sempre gosto. Alguém com as qualidades de sempre, com os quisitos esenciais porque se tem as principais caracteristicas, o resto faz parte mesmo. Mas foi de repente, um amor que durou pouco mais de três anos, de uma hora pra outra murchou como bola de gáz no final de aniversario, que fica ali pequenina, mas continua mesmo você sabendo que a tendência é da próxima vez que olhar ela já estar vazia.

Não estou amando, não é algo eterno, verdadeiro e “puro” como o amor bonito que cultivei anteriormente, mas é algo forte, algo que se o destino quisesse, caminharia com facilidade para isso. Voltei a escutar musiquinhas romanticas, voltei a pensar, a sentir o coração acelerado, a mão fria, e aquela vontade sufocante de ver, falar, ouvir, saber. Eu voltei a estaca zero, sem conhecer muito mas gostando do que conheço, estou engatinhando novamente e, as mãos ainda escorregam no chão porque os braços e as pernas ainda não têm força. Mas que de fato criança quando começa andar é um perigo, todo mundo sabe.

O foda de toda essa história, é que assusta. Assusta o fato desse acontecimento radical, assim sem nem ter tempo de respirar e tomar consciência das coisas. Me assusta pensar que isso possa mesmo crescer e a história toda se repetir, e assusta tanto que eu já nem sei mais de quem é a culpa. Já não sei se sou uma idiota, ou se esse tipo de coisa realmente não pede licença e quando a gente repara o crime já está feito.

E dá medo. O medo de deixar de sentir um sentimento tão bonito, a despedida do que já era de costume, já estava resolvido, digerido, tranquilo e delicioso como é. Medo de estar preciptando e isso acabar desenrolando, medo de estar criando, mesmo sabendo que não se trata disso e justamente por esse motivo dar mais medo ainda. O medo da decepção, daquela dor que eu jurei nunca mais sentir. Eu tenho medo mesmo de começar tudo novamente e medo mais ainda de estar cega e vendo tudo tão perfeito, medo do exagero, do da possessividade, ciumes, obcessão e toda aquela coisa que só machuca a gente. Eu tenho medo principalmente do pouco tempo que resta, e se depois até onde isso vai continuar.

Hoje, eu só queria entender porque? Porque agora e assim? O que eu devo e como fazer? Onde e como isso vai parar? Existe como evitar? Se sim, como?

E enquanto “nada sei”, vou vivendo como há de ser, e mesmo a vontade de falar sobre isso não acabar nunca, é preciso calar pra não sair nenhuma merda, porque isso eu vou fazer diferente dessa vez.

PS: Se tiver erros de português foda-se, meu coração não liga pra gramática.

204 Responses to “Da mudança, do susto, do medo, do coração.”

  1. Celly Says:

    Eu já disse q te amo e to contigo né ? relaxa e deixa q a vida encaixa tudo direitinho minha linda.
    bjos

  2. Rodrigo Says:

    mewwww… q FOOOOOODA!! adorei a metáfora da bexiga e a metáfora da criança q cresce e começa a ter controle próprio… nossa… mto foda, keria eu ter escrito isso!! C precisa escrever um livro um dia, e eu tenho a idéia de fazer um filme narrado um dia, vo precisar da tua ajuda!! xD vo kerer usar essas metaforas ae pq tao mto fodas, nossa, me autoriza a usa-las?? a usa-las numa musica talvez? :$ huahaua precisamo compor umas musica junto XD espera eu ir prae! 😉
    TE AMO!!

  3. Leandro Dalarte Says:

    Deixa
    Deixa quem quiser falar, meu bem
    Deixa
    Deixe o coração falar também
    Porque ele tem razão demais quando se queixa
    Então a gente deixa, deixa , deixa, deixa
    Ninguém vive mais do que uma vez
    Deixa
    Diz que sim prá não dizer talvez
    Deixa
    A paixão também existe
    Deixa
    Não me deixe ficar triste…

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    esse já foi comentado 😉

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